Who's There?

Many years ago, in a lovely old house at the edge of our town, somebody moved in. None of the neighbours knew who had taken the house, only that they had a cat with large green eyes. It was said among the children that the cat was proof of the owner being a witch. Nobody took that too seriously, everyone knows about children and their vivid imaginations.

Now it happened that in the same town, there was a woman with three daughters. She had taught them all that she could and school had given them a go until they were ready to go out into the world and seek their fortunes. Reading in the local paper that an old woman wished for a housekeeper, the eldest daughter applied for the job. She was hired, being of good character and to her surprise was told to show up at the lovely old house at the edge of town. The following Monday, she took the bus to the edge of town and knocked at the solid wooden door. A metal panel was drawn back and behind the grille the eldest daughter was looked at by a very large eye. A sharp voice asked her,

"Who's there?"

The eldest daughter said that she was the new housekeeper and gave her name. The panel shut and the door opened to reveal an empty hallway. Whoever had been looking at her was not there. She entered carefully and called out, when to her surprise a very small old woman, appeared and told her,

"You will work for me for a year. If you are a good worker, that year will be more than enough to keep you for the rest of your life. If not, well, you'll see young lady."

The eldest daughter assured the old woman that she would work hard. The old woman led her through the lovely old house to a large room. Inside it was a wooden chair, a basket and a heap of peas and beans that filled half the room.

"I have to go out and shall no doubt be away all day. When I return, I shall expect all the peas to be sorted out from the beans. Some of the beans have a white stripe along them. You are to make sure that you pick those out and I shall take them from you when I return," the old woman told her.

The eldest daughter stood in shocked silence and the old woman shoved her into the room, shut and locked the door. The eldest daughter sat and sobbed in despair, then rolled up her sleeves and with a big sigh, began to sort the peas from the beans. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, the old woman's cat was there, sitting by the door as if he had been there all the time. His eyes were like two green moons and his fur was blacker than the blackest night.

"What are you staring at, you moon-eyed cat?" the eldest daughter snapped sadly.

The cat meowed softly but the eldest daughter ignored him and continued to sort the peas and beans. Again the cat meowed softly and the eldest daughter told him that he was good for nothing and she wished he would go away. The cat arched his back, his eyes flashed and his whiskers twitched crossly. Suddenly he vanished and the eldest daughter began to weep as she sorted the peas and beans. When the day was over, the old woman returned and found that the eldest daughter was still sorting out the peas from the beans.

"What is this? You have not finished? You good for nothing slattern! You are no use to me!" the old woman told her and instantly the eldest daughter was turned into a bean with a faint white stripe along it's side.

The beans and peas suddenly gathered themselves together and became a heap that took up half the room. The old woman growled and left the room.

The next day the second daughter saw the advert for a housekeeper and having phoned and been accepted, she turned up at the same house in the morning. She too knocked at the door and as had happened before, the panel opened and a large eye peered at her through the grille. A sharp voice asked her,

"Who's there?"

The second daughter told her business and the door opened. As before, the old woman showed her the peas and beans and told her to sort them out and look for the beans with the white stripes on them. The second daughter could barely protest when the old woman shoved her into the room and shut and locked the door behind her.

The second daughter was made of sterner stuff than her eldest sister. She rolled up her sleeves and set to work. Yet, it seemed that the faster she sorted, the heap did not get smaller. Suddenly as if he had been there all the time she noticed the cat sitting with his tail curled neatly around his forepaws. He stared at her with his large green eyes and she winked at him cheerfully.

"My dear puss, I would help you if I could, but I have to finish this task first," the second daughter told him.

The cat meowed softly and the second daughter took off her shawl and spread it over her skirt's edge so that he might sleep there. The cat looked at her curiously for a moment, then seemed to sigh and disappeared. The second daughter shrugged her shoulders and sighed. She would have liked the company while she worked. Yet now she noticed that the heap did not seem to stay the same. It did not matter. When the old woman returned, she seemed visibly puzzled that the heap had diminished a little. Still, she snapped at the second daughter with glee and turned her into a bean with a white stripe also. The heap returned to its former size and the old woman laughed as she left the room.

Now the youngest daughter was sensitive like her oldest sister, but practical as her second sister. However, she was also capable and kind and willing to be kind to all. She too showed up at the old woman's house and all that befell her sisters happened to her but this.

When the panel opened and the large eye appeared, the youngest daughter curtsied and said,

"Hello. I have come to be the new housekeeper and what a lovely eye you have, so green like an emerald."

The eye blinked, the panel shut and the door opened to reveal a tall elegant footman in black with an elegant moustache and another large green eye to match the one that had peered at her through the grille. The youngest daughter smiled sweetly and asked where she might start.

The old woman appeared and dismissed the footman who bowed silently and stepped outside the door much to the youngest daughter's surprise. As before, she was led to the room and asked to sort the peas and beans. She curtsied and said she would do all that she might and asked if the old lady whom she called 'grandmother' would like her to cook supper for her also. The old woman chuckled and said that if she had finished sorting the peas and beans, she might cook supper for both of them and feed the cat. The youngest daughter curtsied and said she would.

She stepped into the room then, put down her bag and shawl and sat to sort the peas and beans. She did not complain. Like her second sister she rolled up her sleeves and started to work. Suddenly she was aware of the cat sitting there. Always willing to make a new friend, the youngest daughter finished sorting the peas and beans in her hand and turned to the cat.

"Hallo and what might I do for you, dearly beloved?" she asked.

The cat meowed and the youngest daughter got up from the wooden chair. She picked up the cat, sat down again with him on her lap and caressed his fur until he purred. After a while the cat settled and purred. To the youngest daughter's surprise, with every purr, the beans and the peas sorted themselves into three heaps. One heap was peas, green and dried. The second heap was black beans and the third small heap was made up of black beans with white stripes. You could count to ten and the peas and beans were all sorted. The youngest daughter laughed softly with delight and stroked the cat, who curled up and slept. Very softly so as not to wake him, the youngest daughter began to sing. Her song was quiet, sweet and each note seemed to linger in the room. After a little while she too slept, but she awoke when she heard a soft voice call her name three times.

The cat was gone and the door was wide open. The youngest daughter roused herself and took up the peas and black beans. She leaned over to pick up the black beans with white stripes and they seemed to wriggle in her hands. Surprised, she put them down and left them in her shawl. With the rest of the beans and the peas she went through to the large kitchen. The cat sat by a large dish and licked his lips when she entered. Being a soft-hearted girl, the youngest daughter decided to feed him first.

She opened the larder and found a stag's carcass. Before she could look elsewhere, the cat had darted into the larder and taken the stag in his mouth and placed it in his dish. When the youngest daughter turned to admonish him, the stag was nothing but bones and the cat sat washing his paws and ears. She stood with her hands on her hips and tried to tell him off, but she could not for he looked so beautiful.

"My dear, what will grandmother say?" the youngest daughter asked him.

"You have been the kindest of all so I will help you. Take the stag bones and grind them up. Boil water in the pot and put the ground stag bones in with the peas and black beans. Then take only the stock from the pot and bring the other beans with the black stripes into the kitchen. Pour the stock over those beans and I shall do the rest," the cat told her.

The youngest daughter was astonished, she did not believe that she had the strength to grind the stag bones. But she took the old woman's pestle and mortar and ground the stag bones into powder. With this powder she put the black beans and the green peas into a large pot with a large amount of water. She put pepper and salt and some herbs into the pot also and boiled the lot. She brought the black beans with white stripes into the kitchen and poured the stock over them. The cat meowed over them and dipped his tail into the mix three times before drawing a sign upon the stone flags of the kitchen floor. Suddenly the beans began to crack and sprout. They turned back into a host of young women who stood weeping. But the cat walked with a swagger and said to them all,

"Stop all your tears, it's not poison."

Then with a word he sent them home in a flash of fire. The youngest daughter was then instructed to place poppy seeds into the beans and peas and a large ham hock which was almost as big as she was. This done, she sat by the fire and the cat curled up on her lap and slept. When the old woman returned to find her supper ready she harrumphed and sat at the table.

"My supper, young lady," she demanded.

The youngest daughter served the old woman the meal and she ate it all up. With a yell the floor cracked open and swallowed up the old woman. The youngest daughter sat then and wept for she had not wished any harm to the old woman. But the cat stretched and grew until his fur split open and fell away from him to reveal a very handsome and elegant gentleman.

"My dear do not weep. You have your sisters back and the Faery Bay Laurel is gone to the King of the Deep Earth. For you, there are all the treasures she has gathered in this very house. For my part, I require only a crown, a sceptre, an airline ticket and my passport from her hoard. For I am a prince bewitched by Bay Laurel and must return to my kingdom to marry my truest love. You will find the deeds to this lovely house in the large oaken bureau in the office next the stairs," the handsome gentleman said.

He showed her the faery's wealth and took from it those things that were his, leaving her the rest. The youngest daughter called a taxi for him and kissed him farewell. He thanked her for her help and she thanked him for his.

The youngest daughter then phoned her mother's house and on the faery's wealth the four women lived happily to the end of their days.

Jofus and Lally

I would like to dedicate this to Jodie at Ric-rac for whom I originally wrote this. I've edited and lengthened the hem since! For those who don't know, Jofus and Lally are two mice, created by the highly talented Jodie.

Jofus and Lally went to sea in a charming blue boat,
With a napkin sail that the wind blew free;
"I do hope you and me, shall stay afloat"
Said Lally dreaming her dreams most mousey,
While Jofus fed her cheddar ice creams.

Hither they went and also yon,
Over the waves of the Melted Brie
Behind them the moon ahead the sun
And they went in a boat to sea.

The Moon-eyed Cat did prowl and sniffed
"I smell mouse supper," he said to the flowers
Who answered not, in their dreaming adrift
in earthy, loamy soil amid the grassy hours.

Jofus and Lally passed olive rocks and boiled kale;
And celery stalks that crunch and crisp.
Their boat was carried by the Friendly Whale
Through French Dressing oceans with a wisp
Of garlic and a hint of mustardseed.

And they slept amid fabrics of all kinds.
Safe they were, o safe indeed
From the Moon-eyed Cat, left behind.

Go stare at the Moon, O fatal Cat,
Go stare at the seas and wonder at
The sharp wind that makes you sneeze;
Where the garden ends and gulls do fly.

Jofus and Lally sail on a breeze
Far away now, o far from the eye
Of the Cat that prowls in the long grass;
Whiskers that twitch and tail that lashes
And paws that pad as the Cat shall pass
Like a storm that thunders and crashes.

Jofus and Lally, far, far away
Sleep now 'neath moon at close of day
Long tails wrapped round each other
Bravest of mice fearless of bother.

Jofus pulls a blanket over fair Lally
For to the Isle of the Blessed they go
And they may not shilly-shally
For the wizard Wise Abednego
Shall wed them in mouse matrimony
To live ever after in sweet harmony.

From a Small Package.

I do not know where the little shop in Lacquer Street disappeared to any more than I know where it came from. One day there was either a wall or a narrow passage and the next there was the little shop. It was called, 'Small Package, Big Idea' and outside there was a large pot plant whose leaves cast shadows on the merchandise within. It was not some dark little shop with a slightly musty smell. On the contrary, it had a large picture window with colourful bright goodies in it and pale polished wood flooring that reflected the light. Inside was a rather glamorous looking woman who answered to the name of Jacqui and had the most intensely green eyes.

For some reason most people remembered nothing about the shop once they'd come out of it. They would go in again as if it were the first time they had done so. I went in once myself, I am sure... and yet maybe I'm unsure and I'd been in it a few times. In any case, to gaze into Jacqui's green eyes, almost the eyes of some supernatural being, intense, deep and almost hypnotic was worth returning.

Near the picture window on the other side from the door was a rack on which were draped blue and pink tissue paper for wrapping. On a shelf above the tissue paper were always a row of packages. Occasionally one was bought and replaced on the shelf and yet - mostly nobody bought one. They saw them but bought paper for wrapping gifts or cards from the selection.

I had gone in one day to look for a present. Jacqui saw me dithering, wondering what would be suitable and asked me softly if she might help. I told her I wanted a gift for a friend, something unique and unusual.

"How do you love this friend?" she asked me.

I answered that I loved her as a true sister. That we had known each other for many years and I hoped we would be friends for many more years. That it was soon to be her birthday and... I stopped, caught by those deep pools of her green eyes. I was vaguely aware of talking but somehow not aware of what I might have said.

Jacqui crossed the shop to the shelf and took one of the packages down. The paper was a pale orange colour and bound in a bow with pink string. I would replace it with a satin ribbon to make it a little posher, but it would do nicely I supposed. It was light, yet it felt as if something in it was shifting the weight of it in my hands.

Jacqui placed the package in a bag and I paid for it. Before she handed to me however, she looked me in the eyes and told me,

"Whatever you do, do not open it, for once you do the - surprise will be ruined," she said.

I agreed to this and left the shop with the package. I did not know what was in it; I still don't know to this day. Only that it was something magical. I arrived for my friend's party later on a cool November evening and remarked on her beautiful and elegant dress. She wore a red silk dress embroidered with gold at the hem, sleeves and the collar. Her shoes were the same shade of red. I hugged her and handed her the small package noticing her eyes lit up with pleasure. She took my coat and hung it up before leading me into the main room where other friends talked and drank while music was playing. She pointed out the drinks and placed the package on a table with the others.

Later, once everyone was present and had a glass, I proposed a toast to her and everyone joined in praising her. She thanked us all and was invited to open her presents. She went through them one at a time; dresses, shoes, jewellery, books, chocolates all made an appearance to her evident delight. All the packages were bigger than the little one on the table from me. So the little package was almost overlooked in all the excitement. Someone near the table pointed it out and she took it up, smiling at me when she saw the tag. Carefully she undid the bow and pulled away the paper. Everyone assumed that it must be jewellery, but suddenly as she took off the lid of the box within, the cd player stopped and the lights went out. They were replaced by twinkling lights and beautiful music coming from the box.

For a moment of time, everything seemed to stop. Then it was as if all of us were in a beautiful dream. We were in a garden surrounded by the most exquisite flowers. Music seemed to swirl elegantly about each of us and sunlight warmly glowed upon us all. There was a grand table with a feast upon it. Wine was poured from silver and gilded decanters by invisible hands into the finest crystal chalices for each of us. Tree nymphs parted from their trees to dance about the birthday girl and placed elegant leafy coronets of the finest quality upon her brow. They sang her praises as if she were a queen. Fauns and satyrs trotted from the trees to bow before her and kiss her fingers gently. They decked her with flowers and led each of us in a dance. In that moment, all things were possible and all the successes of her hopes became seen and clear.

Then we seemed to awake into a dull cloudy morning in the main room of her flat. The food and wine had been cleared away and I smelled coffee and a warm delicious scent of freshly baked croissants. I reached across and took her hand, calling her name softly until she stirred and awoke.

None of us understood what had happened, only that she had dreamed a most wonderful dream and all of us had been in it. That we had all had the same dream was what shocked us - that and it had all felt so real. But when I returned, the shop seemed to have disappeared and I never saw it again. Nor did I ever see Jacqui with the green, green eyes again either.

Time passing, radio calling

My grandmother's house was mostly empty after she died. I went with my father to help pack up her things and move them. In a corner of the room near the window was an old radiogram and on top of it a globe of the world that had once been my grandfathers. I did not pay much attention to it at first, but when the rest was packed and the house was mostly empty, my father told me to sit for a bit and he'd go and get some sandwiches and drink. I sat on the floor with my legs stretched out and sighed. The packing had been hard work and it was a warm day.

For a while I stared at the old radiogram and resisted the urge to get up and twiddle the knobs and spin the globe. After a while, I must have dozed.

"Well at last he's asleep, I thought we'd never get to speak," a crackly voice murmured.

"It hardly matters without Audrey and Greg around," a soft voice answered.

"The son packed everything and this must be Audrey's grandson. The lanky-legged, skinny boy! Must be from his mother's side," the first voice crackled, a faint sound of violins and applause behind it.

"You're not tuned in proper," the soft voice said, adding, "He's skinny but he'll fill out soon enough."

There was a soft whistle and a crackle of static. The music faded and a rather prim young woman asked, "Are you sitting comfortably?"

In my half-asleep state I hmmed and shifted myself, raising my knees and resting my head on them without opening my eyes.

"Jolly good. Then I will begin."

It was a crisp, firm voice used to command children rather than ask them. But the voice crackled and disappeared.

"Now then mac, what are we going to do about all this, huh?" a low drawl of a voice said, echoing slightly in the room.

"We too shall be packed away and forgotten, no doubt. Remember when Audrey used to come in from work and you'd tell her the news?" the soft voice asked.

A crackle and an almost shocked voice, "Why certainly, why shouldn't I?"

"And she would spin me to find out where all the troubles of the world were happening..." the soft voice continued.

The play continued:

"Well anyway, that's all over. It was over a long time ago and we - we just keep moving on like - well like a clock ticking without knowing why.

And that's why Geoffrey, that's why I have to go away. I have... to go back to - Hatherley. It's where I belong and I can't be any part of this any more."

The music swelled behind the voice and her half sob. A door was heard and there was a crackling and silence.
Someone shook my arm and I raised my head to find my father smiling.

"You sleepy already? Here, I got us a pie too and some lemonade like my mum used to make me," he said.

I stretched and yawned. The room was empty but for my father, myself and the radiogram with the globe on top of it. I must have dozed and my imagination wandered. Still, I pointed to them, the sun through the window making shadows on the radiogram.

"Can I have those in my room - to remember grandad and grandma?" I asked.

He smiled and ruffled my hair, handing me the pie and sitting on the floor beside me.

"Sure you can, son," he said.

Tisane et Chocolat

There was once a young woman who wished for a child. She told this to her faery godmother who gave her a box of tisanes.

"My dear, take these tisanes and you are sure to have a child." the faery godmother told her.

Sure enough, after drinking the tisanes, the young woman became pregnant and gave birth to a little girl. The little girl was quick and lively, her eyes as green as the leaves of camomile, her fine hair as blonde as barley, her skin as pale as lime blossoms. As she had come from her mother drinking tisanes, she was called Tisane.

Little Tisane grew slowly and patiently, but her mama noticed that she sighed and felt lonely. The young woman consulted her faery godmother again who gave her a tin of powdered chocolate.

"My dear," she said, "Drink this chocolate and see what will happen."

The young woman was partial to chocolate and drank it through the winter as her little Tisane slept and gurgled and generally made her mother's life a pleasure. She was such a well-behaved and considerate baby. As the winter turned to spring, the young woman became pregnant and soon gave birth to yet another little girl. This little girl was also quite lively and quick and very sweet. She had eyes like chocolate buttons, her fine hair was dark like the finest chocolate and her skin was pale like the blossoms of the Cocoa plant. As she had come into the world through chocolate, her mother - who was French (did I not mention that? How remiss of me) named her Chocolat.

The two little girls grew up together and became very fond of each other. They were inseparable all the way through school. Oh they were wooed by boys and Tisane always made her schoolmates feel better, soothing their hurts and refreshing them with her wit. Chocolat on the other hand was wooed for her sweet nature and her liveliness.

It happened that their mother became very ill so Tisane stayed at home to look after her and soothed her and healed her. Instantly she decided to become a doctor. Chocolat had also helped to look after her mother and sweetened her environment and cheered her mother up by singing to her. Instantly she decided to become a singer.

The two young women passed their baccalaureat and worked hard to get into university. But life is not something that can be so precisely planned for. One plans one thing and hopes it will work. Often it does not, but becomes something else along the way. Just so, the two young women never got to university. With names like theirs it will not surprise you to learn that they began to make chocolates and tisanes and to sell them. First among their neighbours and friends, then throughout Paris. Before long they had shops in London and New York. Then online and after a very short while they found they were rich.

Tisane put her wealth to healing the hurts of others and soothing them. Chocolat put her wealth into sweetening people's lives and cheering them up. Not long after they fell in love and were wed. Tisane married a young Englishman called Basil. Chocolat married a beautiful young woman called Orangette. As everyone knows, Chocolat and Orange are perfect together and Tisanes are lovely when had with pasta au Basil.

The faery godmother gave them her blessing before flying off to Cannes for the film festival. They have been happy ever since. I should know, Basil often tells me.

The Stone Girl

This is the 100th post!

There was once a poor couple who lived by the sea. The poor man would go fishing while the poor woman would collect seaweed and driftwood out of which she would make shoes to sell at the market. Now it happened that although they had always wanted a child, they had remained childless and this saddened them both.

One morning, the old man took his battered boat out to sea to catch fish. After a while something caught at his net and he began to pull it in. Firstly the boat began to tilt and after a little while the sea began to churn and foam violently. The poor man began to wonder if he should let go of the net, but it was the only one he had and so he was loath to let it be claimed by the sea.

He continued to heave on the net and leaned backwards to counter the weight of whatever was in the net. Suddenly, to his shock the vast gleaming head of a water dragon rose up from the sea, water falling from it's great jaws. It's fearsome bulk, though huge was yet light within the waves. It arose up until it seemed that the poor man could see nothing but the gleaming scales of the beast before him. The poor man fell back in his boat and shook with terror.

The dragon leaned over him and said in a voice like the roiling of the waves,

"Are you so poor that you would rather catch me in your net, even at the risk of death?"

The poor man told the water dragon that he was extremely poor and that if he could catch no fish, he and his poor wife would starve. He had not meant to catch the dragon in his net and apologised sincerely. The dragon took pity on the poor man.

"Release me from your net and I will grant you three wishes," the dragon told him.

The poor man thanked the dragon and carefully freed the dragon from his net. He wished that he and his wife might always live in comfort, always have enough to eat and have an exceptional child. The dragon chuckled and bowing his head agreed. Then he merged with the dark waves and sank beneath the foaming sea. The poor fisherman turned his boat around and headed back to the shore.

Imagine his surprise when he drew his boat upon the sands and found a large and comfortable house where his poor ramshackle hut had been. At the door, his wife stood dressed in silk and velvet and the finest lace. He trotted towards her and as he did so, his tattered rags fell from him revealing a fine linen shirt, a velvet waistcoat, breeches of wool and a silk coat embroidered with blue dragons and elegant fish in silver. On his feet instead of the driftwood and seaweed shoes, he wore boots of the finest Spanish leather.

That night the fisherman and his goodwife ate well and over supper, the fisherman told his wife about the dragon. She in her turn praised the dragon and kissed her husband.

The following morning when the fisherman awoke, he dressed in equally fine clothes as the ones he had sat down to supper in. He went outside to stand upon the beach and there he saw a large rock shaped like an egg. It seemed so beautiful that he felt compelled to touch it. As he did so, it cracked and fell apart leaving at its centre a little girl made entirely of stone. Her hair was dark as obsidian, her eyes as grey as flint and her skin was pale and smooth as alabaster. Her lips were pink as rose quartz and she smiled like the sun on a diamond, a sparkling bright smile. A most exceptional girl, whom the fisherman instantly felt affection for. He reached out his hand and she took it in her own cool fingers. His wife was as delighted as he was and they called the little girl, Petra because she was made of stone.

For many years, they taught her all they could and when they could not teach her, tutors were brought to the house to teach her. She became quite wise and quite compassionate for a little girl made of hard stone. On her 18th birthday, an old woman came to visit the fisherman and his wife. She wore a green dress and a red apron and her face was as wrinkled as an old apple. Her old eyes were dark, yet full of laughter. They couple took her in, remembering when they were poor and gave her a good meal. Then she said to them both,

"Have you not a daughter?"

They said they had and called Petra who came into the withdrawing room with a book in her hand. The old woman asked her if she loved to read and Petra said she did. The old woman asked her what she knew of Love and Petra said that she had read many books that spoke of the subject and while some praised Love, many others were deeply hurt by it.

"Therefore grandmother, I can make neither head nor tails of it and perhaps it is best I experience it at least once before I make up my mind."

The old woman said that it was a wise decision and kissed Petra gently. Suddenly Petra's hair flowed and her skin blushed and softened. Her eyes blinked and became a little greener and inside her, the stone heart of hers, softened and beat softly; and Petra lived at last, not merely as stone, but as flesh and blood and bone.

The couple thanked the old woman who laughed and laughed until she vanished and all that was left was the trace of her laughter in the air. For the old woman was a faerie and the mother of the sea dragon.

Not long after, Petra met a handsome gentleman whom she fell in love with. She learned the bliss and the joys of love with him and was on the verge of marrying him, when he fell out of love with her and went away. Now she knew the pain and the deep sorrows of love and stood by the sea's edge adding to the tide with her tears. The sea-dragon came to her then and asked her if she would rather be returned to her stony self. She shook her head and the dragon swam away never to be seen again.

Petra never fell in love again until she met a man who stirred her heart and proved himself true to her in every way by marrying her and buying her a huge library so that she might continue her studies.

As for the fisherman and his goodwife, they had a statue made in bronze of their little stone girl so that they might remember her by. Every night for as long as he could, the fisherman took the finest fish in his catch and gave it back to the sea as a tribute to the dragon and through him to their exceptional child.

A long, long time ago, so long that not even my grandma remembers, there were all kinds of magical and dangerous beings and creatures on the earth. Among these were the giants. Stories were written about them; there were Cornish giants, the French giants, Gargantua and his son Pantagruel were written about by a fabulous gentleman. There were, in short, giants all over the place making a mess of the landscape. They wouldn't look where they trod so that people would lose their homes and castles from giants treading on them without looking.

Now among these giants there was a fierce and savage brute who took a liking to children. Usually wrapped in a cow and grilled. He was more than somewhat antisocial in his habits. He would pick fights with other giants too and it is said that once he challenged the Moon to come and fight him. His name was Unimportant, which probably didn't help.

Now one morning, Unimportant was asleep and dreaming of rabbits under his bed. No rabbit would dare to appear beneath his bed but still, he was dreaming of lots of them under his bed and he awoke in a fury. Throwing his bed across the room he saw no rabbits whatsoever. This enraged him further and leaping out of the window, he caused a small valley and a mild earthquake before striding across the landscape and demolishing in the following order: three barns, four farmhouses, six cows and a church. This had almost spent his fury, but then a rabbit ran across his path and he ran after it.

This rabbit however was not just a rabbit, it was the sorcerer Justlikethat who was on his way to a meeting with some other sorcerers and finding himself getting late, turned himself into a rabbit to get there quicker. Finding that the giant Unimportant was behind him he stopped and turned himself back into himself.

Unimportant however did not seem to be stopping, if anything he was even more furious. Think fast the wizard told himself, but he did not think fast enough and the giant grabbed him around the middle and raised him up.

Now Justlikethat was well aware that this giant had a particular way of killing those who offended him. He would raise them up and crack their heads against his own, which was particularly dense.

"Woe and alas," the wizard said, "Now I suppose you mean to kill me."

"You suppose right fishface," Unimportant answered rudely.

Raising the wizard up he brought him down towards his skull and at this point, Justlikethat turned himself into a great axe. The blade cracked into the giant's skull and killed him dead on the spot. As his vast body fell, the wizard turned himself into a sparrow and flew up. Unimportant, in dying, left a huge valley and caused a huge earthquake in three villages and two large towns. In commemoration of his death, Justlikethat created a monument (wizards like monuments) that still stands to this day. As for the giant Unimportant... well there are a lot of very fat crows and foxes in that area even now.